Let The Stars Fall Down
by Becks Rylynn
Summary: The pills helped her get through the day..... AU, Cordelia's life if she hadn't died and if she had made all the wrong choices. Slight AC.


AN: A dark AU oneshot about Cordelia and the life she could have had if she had made all the _wrong_ choices. I wrote this awhile ago, so I don't know how good it is. Reviews make me smile!

Disclaimer: I do not own Angel or any of the characters. I do however, own Jamie, Wyatt, Alex and Nick.

Let The Stars Fall Down

_''Are you happy?''_

_''Yes.''_

The lies she told flowed naturally now. So naturally, it startled her some times. That's why she drank. But the pills. The pills helped her get through the day. She used to be happy. Used to have a family. Someone loved her. She loved him. Then she had to go to New York and get pregnant. Her parents had hated her, resented every fiber of her being because she kept them away from her dreams. She wanted to give her daughter a good life. So she married Nick. In a white dress that made her look innocent and beautiful and pure. The dress was a cover. The innocence was a lie. And she sure as hell wasn't pure. She wouldn't be pregnant if she was pure.

She tried to love him. Tried to love Jamie like she was supposed to. And she did. She loved her daughter more than anything, but, God help her, whenever she looked at her 15-year old daughter, all she saw was the girl who was pushing her farther and farther away from where she belonged.

_''Do you love him?''_

_''Yes.''_

Maybe in some ways she used to. But now she hated him. Oh, God, more than anything she hated him. He took her away. That's what he did. He took her away from everything she wanted.

She was her mother now. Pills and alchohol, pushing her daughter into barely there dresses and so many other things a 15-year old girl should never do. Like fuck a teacher for a grade, and get pregnant.

_''Are you still taking pills?''_

_''No.''_

One day she took too many and slipped into a coma for three months. Happiest three months of her life. Jamie slept by her bed every night. She never left. She felt sorry for the girl because once upon a time she had done the same thing. Her own mother had been in a coma. She had never left her side. Her mother may have hated her, and she may have hated her mother, but she was still her mother. Unlike her mother, she woke up.

She wanted to change. But she didn't know how. How could she change when all she wanted was her life to be over? Maybe in death she could find some peace.

All of that. Every little thing. That was on the inside.

On the outside, she was the perfect housewife. Unlike her mother, she could hold her liquor. She wasn't, after all, blonde. She was the perfect PTA mother. She planned the school dances, she clapped when her daughter got on the honor roll. She lectured when Jamie was caught in the janitor's closet with a male teacher. It was her fault. She did this to her daughter. She wanted to give her a better life than she had. And yet, here she was giving Jamie the exact same life she had.

_''Any attacks?''_

_''One. Jamie took care of it. She's a slayer you know.''_

All busniess. Serious aspects of the conversation gone, replaced by steely like busniss talk.

_''I know.''_

She wanted out. She didn't want the gift she received soon after her 'scare'. She didn't want to be immortal. She wanted to be happy. She didn't want her three kids. She didn't want Jamie, or her neglected siblings, Alexa and Wyatt. She sounded like her mother, but she didn't care. She wanted out. So she took the pills. She drowned herself in alchohal.

_''Are you ever coming back, Cordy?''_

_''I can't, Angel. You know that.''_

She was slipping away. Farther and farther away from her lie of a life, closer and closer to something she wanted. But she was immortal. She couldn't die. No matter how much she wanted to.

_''Everyone misses you.''_

_''I miss them too.''_

She wanted to run to him. Away from Nick. She wanted to take her children and run. Learn to love them, learn not to resent them. But that wasn't allowed.

Used to love fairy tales. Used to hope a prince would come and save her from her horrible lifee. No one ever did. Not one knight in shining armor ever got past her french maid. She never got glass slippers. Or seven dwarfs. Never got to prick her finger, only waking up when her prince kissed her. Never happened. Never Ever After.

_''You can't run from who you are.''_

_''I can try.''_

Closing her eyes, she vaguly heard Jamie banging on the door screaming at her not to do it. But she ignored it.

_''Mom, I love you. You know that right?''_

Jamie had been 12 when she started to doubt her mother's love.

_''Mom, Wyatt's turning 6 in a week. Are you ever going to tell him about his real father?''_

Nick had no idea Wyatt wasn't his.

_''Mom, Lex is only 12 years old and she just got drunk, don't you even care?!''_

She tried to.

_''You know Mother, sometimes I feel like I'm more of a mother than you are.''_

That hurt. She tried not to let it show. But that hurt. She loved her kids. She loved her kids. She loved her kids. She couldn't do this. She was going to take her kids and run. But where?

_''I love you.''_

_''I know.''_

Who gave a damn about Nick? He could find another trophy wife. She already had someone. Too bad it too her 15 years to figure that out.

_''Hey visiongirl!''_

_''Yeah?''_

_''I love you.''_

_''I love you too, Broody.''_

Her eyes snapped open.

_''Angel, I'm only going to New York for a week. What could happen?''_

It had taken 15 years, but finally...

_Mirror, Mirror On The Wall_

...Cordelia Chase-Winters was going home

_If You Catch Me, Will I Fall?_

A/N: Stay tuned for the prequel _Naughty Little Things_, all about her daughter Jamie.

Kisses, Becks ;)

Review Please!!


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